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April 14, 2012

Families are chosen by God.  From the minute we are born, we are surrounded by people who love us unconditionally, nurture and accompany us in everything that we do.  Family members are tied together by genes and blood that can not be broken by the passing of time nor distance.

Over the past week, my mom came to visit me.  She is a petite woman in her late 50s, full of endless energy and smart humor.  The purpose of her visit this time, underneath the obvious reason of not having seen my brother and I for almost a year, is to check and make sure that I am all right living alone in a new city.  We did not speak of his name and I, for my part, was able to ignore the small wound that’s still inside and tried to focus on spending quality mother-daughter time together.  For the past seven days, we shopped for clothes, cooked together, bought some desperately needed furniture that I have been putting off to purchase, and watched movies at night.  After really just a day of work and the addition of one piece of furniture, my room was transformed and personalized with decorative peacock feathers in a clear bottle, a vase of small white and purple flowers by the window, many many books on the shelf, and gift cards displayed.  Although a pang of sadness sweeps through me every time I notice the presence of small wrinkles that creeped over my mother’s face over time, I was comforted and proud at her physical fitness and agility.  At night, as the three of us sat down and had dinner together, it seems like we were magically transported back in time and I was a little girl once again, living with my big brother and my beautiful youthful mother.  Childhood, for most of us who were fortunate to grow up in loving families, were probably some of the happiest memories that I am sure for most people.

The fact my mother believes that I am living and enjoying life independently and didn’t bring up his name gave me strength in an unusual way.  From small, barely noticeable things, I could tell that she was disappointed at the ending of the engagement.  Like most mother, she wanted to plan and  see her daughter happily married.  Rather, she had to explain to relatives and family friends that the wedding was cancelled.  Despite her worrying, she is looking forward in the future and never bought up his name.  Her belief in me reminded me that I am her daughter and that I am also strong.    When I hugged and kissed my mother good bye at the station, she smiled and told me that I am one of the people that she loves the most.  This is just one of the many amazing traits that I admire about my mother, her eternal strength and optimism to see the best in everything.  She wasn’t deeply sad about our parting, but rather, I know she was already planning and thinking about the next time we will stay together.  In the meanwhile, I will work hard everyday to build a healthy, stable, and love-filled life.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–I remember the last time we were together, I cried hard and squeaked that I didn’t want to be separated.  His hazel-colored eyes looked heartbroken, or it seemed, and promised it was going to be the only time we will ever be separated.  After this, in just a few months, he will finish and come, and we will spent everyday of the rest of our lives together.  I remember feeling so sure that he will love me forever.  How could I have not, when he always wanted me to be next to him every minute of every day.   He told met that I was his home and the person that he loves the most, even more than himself.  So I trusted, against all my intuitions.  All this time later, I can see it was a mirage founded on innocence, an illusion built in my head.  He claims to be otherwise, which is fine.  For me, now I know it was never special.


From → Love

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